Always the only one to fall..

I am so grateful for my life. As a wise friend told me... "Your trials are someone elses blessings" and when i asked him what exactly that meant he told me that your trials make you stronger, and some day when you find that special someone that is when your trials become their blessings. Because you are who you are today because of these trials and the events that happened in the past.

With this i mind it has helped me a great deal. It's hard for me to desipher if i actually like a guy for the right reasons or is it just because i want a boyfriend. Well im still in the dark. I think for me to find that out i have to completely take that mental jump. I have to jump off that cliff and pray that someone is there to catch me and if he doesn't than atleast i took that leap of faith. I am not sure if i can do this however if the other person isn't willing to do the same. He says he doesn't want a girl friend yet here he is acting like my boyfriend. DOing and saying things that are like we are together. I don't know weither to stay in it or RUN! run now and run far away. Part of me says, Mimi you know this story, it's always the same, it always has the same old story so do yourself a favor and stop this before you get hurt even more! The other part of me says give it time, stick in their. My brother brought a good point. Sometimes things take time to develop and sometimes you have to work for it. I can't expect everything to come to me easily or immediately but i must let things happen on gods time.

They say patience is a virtue. This is something i have not developed yet. I am very impatient. But i am learning to take one step at a time. and not cram a square into a circle. So here i am....Pondering. Wondering how he feels. Knowing that he doesn't do DTR's or talk about things so its harder! But i need a DTR down the road. i have to decide wheither i turn my back on this opportunity or take that leap of faith knowing he probably won't be there to catch me, but praying theres a small chance that he might.

I wish he could telll me whats going on and how he feeels lately. He's hiding, hes scared. He has a million reasons why i shouldnt be the one he commits to. But how long will he let doubt cloud his mind. The good of what could come of it far out weighs the bad why cant he just realize. He's just scared. If he doesnt commit he cant get hurt right?....WRONG!! seems to me this is the FASTEST WAY TO GET YOUR HEART BROKEN. So for now ill wait it out. But there will come a time when we either go our seperate ways or take it farther. Only time will tell.

The rest is stilll unwritten

I miss you, Miss you so bad.

Man I never thought it would be this hard. I miss my best friend. Not only my brother but that guy that used to be my best friend. I understand why you did what you did now. It just saddens me that it had to end that way. I know it's my fault. I'm sorry. I hate myself for losing you. I'm sorry i broke his heart. I'm sorry i had to do what i did for me. But i have myself to blame.

and oh i dont know what to say. What do u do when you look in the mirror and staring at you is why he's not here. He was my best friend, i told him everything, i talked to him every night and when you dont have that anymore you don't know what to do. I hope we can rekindeled our friendship, because it is hard to find good friends like that. I actually trusted him, one of the few guys i could be my complete self with. So hopefully we can let the past stay in the past and continue with the future.

I miss you. Come back to me.

Word of advice proceed with caution when you date a best friend. I didn't and i ended up with out my bestfriend and i was STILL ALONE.

You think you know, but you have no idea.

Let it go...

So why is it that i cant forget about this guy. How we met and everything that has happened i should learn to just walk away. Like its honestly gonna happen the way i pictured. The odds of it happening are very slim. Especially the fact that he's on a mission. And just barely started it non the less. I just want someone like him. but i have to just let it go. And live in the moment. I cant live in the future what if's because the time is NOW and will always be.

So yeah i am definetely keeping my mind and options open. I can't wait for next semester its going to be so ill. But till then i have to be happy with what i have. I mean next semester ill have my big bro here so that opens alot of doors for me. Ill have someone i can trust, rely on. That's huge for me, cuz i've yet to find that here.
I should be happy with the life i live, and the things i do, seems like i have it all.

Finally now destiny can begin.

Growing up and discovering things is a part of life. And yet another epipany dawned on me today. While talking to this guy about relationships etc. i for once now have been comforted by god. When i got here i was sick of the single thing. sick of being alone, sick of not having anyone like my brother always does or everyone else around me here at BYU. But suddenly my perspectives have changed. I'm okay. for the first time in my life im okay with being alone. im okay just being there for myself, ive gotten through the majority of my life alone and i realize its all i need. That and God. The funny thing is i was blinded by all the things i thought i want.

Well its safe to say, i dont know what i want. I want love no doubt but i want it on gods terms. I want to find the guy or for him to find me when the times right. Till then i just wanna live. And not care what other people may think. I have been humbled by my savior many times up here, he's revealed so much unto my hearts and as i remember in

2 nephi 16:3 it say "and one cried unto another and said; Holy, Holy, Holy is the lord of hosts, the whole earth is filled with his glory"

This scripture i hope to alwaays have memorized like i do now. It's so true. He is there in everything i do. He knows all he sees all. he is the same today. yesterday and tomorrow.

Changing the subject. my big bro gets home in 81 days, the days go by slower, and i miss him more and more everyday. I pray for his happiness. He is no doubt happy but when he comes home. i pray everything works out for him. That he gets his fairy tale ending with the princess he's been waiting for his whole life. That he gets to continue to live his dream playing football and no harmal accidents will stop that. Every night i will pray for these things. I am becomeing less selfless everyday.

I've recently stumbled into a situation i know god wants me to help him with, to share and restore these boys testimonies that ive met. Its sad that they've fallen so far from god. I've fallen to in the past, but i KNOW im back where im supposed to be, i know im doing the things i should, and i will serve him whole heartedly.

You think you know, but you have no idea...

It's about time that i've made up my mind...

Every night as i pray i've been asking of god to please answer my questions. I knew that answers didnt always come right away but as i reflected today i realized that my answer was here all along, i just didnt realize it.

The first answer came from my book of mormon class the next day the hymn we sang pertained these words in them that made my heart stop, it was as if god was talking to me...
"Be faithful and fearless, onward press onward, the goal is in sight. Eyes that are wet now ere long will be dry!"

And once again in my Book of Mormon class i knew that he answered my prayers. I've never felt this way not until i came to this place. Normally when things didnt work out with so many different people im left sad, wondering why im not good enough. And now i look at it as maybe HE ISNT good enough. Until now ive always thought i was the one not good enough that isnt the case. The guys that ive had my eye on i dont think would spiritually lift me up, but actually the reverse effect. And as i asked god why things never worked out and to please help me, comfort me he did just that. For some odd reason the past 2 guys that havent reallly worked out the way i wanted to here i wasnt sad, i didnt dwell on it. It was strange, and this IS the lords hand. He made me strong, stronger than ive been in a long time. As i continue my daily scripture study i grow more and more each day, i see things and as i read 1 nephi its as if god knew me, he knew i had to read these words to get me through at this time. And what a blessing it all has been!!

Walking back thinking of how much the lord loves and knows me it made me want to weep, how naive i was to not have thought of him before. Its like today in class that as we persistantly ask god the same question we may think that's being diligent but its not. That isn't enough, it isn't enough to merely just ask god to help, or to answer a question, you have to search for the answer you have to take the time to think about things. and ask yourself this question...

Have ye inquired of the Lord?

If the answer is no, then seek ye this day. Find him in your life, for at first i wont deny i was regretting coming her, i was out of my element it felt like. Everyone had there clique already and i had not found mine, but i dont want one, i want friends from all over, different styles, personalities. I cried on night, asking did i make the right choice coming here to this college, and now its evident that this was the ONLY choice. I believe i was to come here and experience these things, that i had to over come these obstacles to grow stronger to strengthen my faith, and that is precisley what has happened. This university has magic, the magic will win over your heart and overwelhm you with the spirit if you allow it to do so.

So instead of asking myself IS IT HARD??
I need to reply with... NO ITS WONDERFUL.

Prophet hinkley is my inspiration for this.
I KNOW now that im okay. I know now that i am strong, for i have the lord in my life, and this light cannot be hid. And i will not lose it, i willl cling to the iron rod, and do what is right. God is my light. God is my strength.

Ill go where you want me to go dear lord, over mountains or plain or seas. Ill say what you want me to say dear lord....ILL BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE!

Have you ever....

Have you ever searched for something and nothing is all you've found?
Have you ever wanted something so bad you can hardly stand it, it's all you think about?
You cant sleep because you just cant stop thinking about it?
Have you ever been let down?

I have. all these things. Day after day i try to keep my head up but its hard. I mean have you ever been surounded by so many people yet you still felt alone? This is how im feeling now. I dont know. There's a place in my heart thats empty. And i just cant seem to fill this void. I think i know what it is yet it just i guess isnt the right time.

It's like a friend told me...Maybe this is god testing me, this is just a trial i have to over come. I cant think of why this is but there must be a reason he always has a reason for doing what he does. Its hard to see, i pray to him every night asking him to shed some light on the matter yet my prayers remain unanswered. It's not the right time for god to reveal these answers to me. So i just have to keep searching, reaching out for the sign he may be sending me. Looking in all places because i need to find what god is trying to tell me. I have to keep asking, keep praying and one day in some way shape or form he will tell me what ive been longing to know, or better yet SHOW ME. I mean he said

"Ask and it shall be given you, seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be open unto you. For every one that asketh RECEIVETH, and he that seeketh FINDETH, and to him that knocketh it SHALL BE OPEN!!" -St Matthew 7:7-8

This is exactly what i need to do. I need to follow him. and Just like my buddy said PUT GOD FIRST and he will bless you...everything after that will just fall into place. so God here i am, i will do the things of which you ask of me, and i wont stop knocking until he opens the door. Ill find that happiness, ill fill that void.

I just need to hang in there until this happens...and it is so difficult to do...

Have you ever...
oh have you ever felt this way.

Someday i will understand....

Someday i will understand, in god's plan and what he does to me.

If i never take this leap of faith ill never know...so im learning to fall with no saftey net to cusion the blow. I bruise easily so be gentle when you handle me.

I should have known better....

Deep down inside im always right,
That every man i meet looks fine in clear sight.
Yet somehow my heart just couldnt see,
what kind of a person he'd really turn out to be.

Im sick and tired of being this way,
All i want is someone to bring the dawn to another day,
But i guess thats just to much to ask,
It far too great of a task.

So im trying to get up this time,
Pushing forward up to climb,
But once you fall as much as i,
It doesnt look like you'll ever soar high.

I'm asking why it has to be this way!?
why i have to suffer from day to day.
I have such high hopes only to be shot down,
it is here within my tears i'll drownd.
someday i will understand,
God help me reach out your hand.

Let me be at peace for once,
Answer my prayers,
For this is my only request.
Comfort me, guide me, help me.